Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
