bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
