her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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