I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
