It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
