you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
The best revenge is premature balding
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
