I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
A+ Viking dick
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize