$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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