I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
The struggles of a small town man whore
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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