Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
