What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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