I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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