Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
