i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
