Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
