I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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