I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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