I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Acid is not a monday night drug
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
