She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
