she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize