New low: just hacked my moms facebook
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I just sucked dick on a ferry
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
