It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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