Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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