It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
We are all done wearing pants today
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize