I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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