What a fucking waste of an outfit
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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