First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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