yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
