Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
