break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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