He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
