mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
this hospital has no fireball
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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