You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize