using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize