I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
