My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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