I hate all girls vehemently.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
My bed smells like the plague
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
