There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
