I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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