Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
