I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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