There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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