I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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