i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
