Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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