You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
