i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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