My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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