Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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