And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
