If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
