I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
