my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Congratulations! We have a period
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
