Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
