Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
