Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
