my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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