alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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